What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 07:26
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
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She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was scared of men, in general
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
She found it foreign!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We all went to grammer schools
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why did i forgive my father ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im still living with it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My family never makes their pension either.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Who then, do I blame.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I waited trembling.
She was in good health!
But it wasn’t much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I have no regrets .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i lived it daily.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I write beautiful poetry .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her
She married twice! .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So, i spoilt her more .
What did i know ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I will be 64.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But, we were locked up after school.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One cannot live in the past .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is soul school!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.